Major Depression 200

Everybody has down days.  We all have times of loss and grief.  Those are terrible times but usually temporary.  There is a saying that time heals all wounds.  Unfortunately, major depression is a medical condition that takes more than time to heal.  In fact, given time unsupervised, major depression can lead to suicide.  It is important to get help as soon as possible if you think you or a loved one is suffering from depression.

My first serious depression lasted several months.  Although I did have a couple of stray, fleeting suicidal thoughts that surprised me, my main feeling was apathy.  I did not enjoy life like I should have, and I did not understand that this kind of apathy was a symptom of depression.  For three summers in a row,  I thought I was suffering from physical ailments, like sinus trouble, allergies, and low immunity, which I was.  However, some of these were symptoms of the depression I did not recognize until severe mania finally emerged.

Once I was treated for my mania, I was under the impression that I would never have to suffer depression again.  This was a huge comfort to me, because when depressed, I would lie in bed, feeling like I had the flu.  It was horrible to spend the most beautiful summer days physically incapacitated when throughout the fall and winter months, I had been constantly on the go.  This is the time in my life when I should be at the peak of health, and my children are at an age where we can do all kinds of fun family activities.  I hated to let my family down, and my husband felt like I wasn't trying my best, which irritated me on top of it all. 

Unfortunately, rebound depression hit me after beginning medication for my mania.  When depression hit, it hit hard and fast.  It was worse than all my prior depressions put together.  Moreover, my diagnosis was worse than what I had suspected in my summers of depression.  I was chemically and situationally depressed. 

It seemed as if I would never recover.  I thought that maybe I would cycle up and down forever.  I feared that perhaps I would never be happy or functional again.  Life is always uncertain, but in my depressed state of mind, I could not handle the uncertainties.  I was bedridden for the most part.  I feared I would be a burden on my family forever.  All I wanted to do was sleep to avoid all the horrible thoughts and feelings I had.

In the midst of that deep depression, I began to seriously think and plan on how best to kill myself and put us all out of my misery.  As I began to recover with medication, I bounced from less depressed to suicidal a few more times.  Each suicidal episode was progressively worse.  Each time, the rational part of my mind had less strength to argue against the suicidal, emotional, irrational thoughts.  If it had not been for my loving husband staying beside me, holding me together, I don't know if I would be here today.

Although the depth of my depression was the most miserable aspect, coming up from my depression was the scariest bit as I had the energy to carry through with the suicide plan my crazed mind had been so obsessively plotting.  One minute, I could be fine, then a small injury to my feelings could send me plummeting into suicidal despair.  Conversely, I was physically incapacitated at times when mentally I felt ready to live. 

Throughout all this, my psychiatrist and psychologist were treating me.  When I was wobbling on an emotional tightrope instead of becoming more stable, I asked my psychiatrist for another adjustment in medications.  Soon after, I was feeling much more like myself.  It took approximately two and a half months and a lot of medical and family intervention to get through the whole ordeal.